Dear Swim Mom,

I just found out that my 16 year old skipped practice, even after dropping him off at the pool and then picking him up after he messaged for a pick up. I’m super ticked off about it, but more about the deceit than anything. I haven’t called him out on it yet. I just had a hunch and messaged coach and asked if he was there.

He’s in grade 11 and is losing interest, but I also don’t want him to turn into a deadbeat teen that only plays video games. I’m not sure if it’s just a Christmas break thing because he was off for a week and his routine is all messed up. I’m also concerned that if he drops swimming, that that might influence others to drop as well on our small team, with only a dozen swimmers at his level.

This is tough. I’m feeling like confiscating his phone or grounding him for lying or just telling him to find his own way to the pool…but then he probably will just sleep in and not go. He has a chance to swim in college if he sticks with it.

Thanks for any advice you can offer.

—Ticked Off in Tennessee

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Dear Ticked Off in Tennessee,

First, I believe you need to talk to your son about honesty and the importance of keeping his word. Most likely, he feels he’ll disappoint you if he doesn’t want to swim.  As for grounding or taking away the phone, that’s a personal decision to make.

My son wouldn’t tell us that he didn’t want to swim at about the same age. I’m sure he thought it would crush us. He made up excuse after excuse of why he couldn’t go to meets and practice. I flat out asked him several times if he wanted to swim and he always said “yes.” I should have opened my eyes to reality and supported him more in the things he was passionate about, like music.

I interviewed one coach who said his own son would drive him crazy because he wouldn’t be focused at practice and bounced off the bottom of the pool. His son eventually switched sports to rowing and found his passion. The coach said the important thing is for our kids to do something they choose, whether or not it’s swimming.

If your son wants to swim in college, then encourage him to stick with it. Of course, swimming isn’t required to have a great college experience, but it does open doors. Coaches can flag athletes they want on their team for admissions. Swimming can give your son many advantages which may include a close-knit group of teammates, better meals, tutoring, a scholarship and priority registration for classes.

Many parents tell their kids that they need to finish the season, then decide if they want to continue or not. I think this is helpful to learn how to finish and not quit in the middle of things. When things get hard, it’s an easy answer to quit. Sticking it out to the end of the season will be an accomplishment and a reward in itself.

Good luck!

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